


Straight Only

by j_crew_guy



Category: Askewniverse
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-05
Updated: 2010-09-05
Packaged: 2017-10-11 12:20:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/112347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/j_crew_guy/pseuds/j_crew_guy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jay and Silent Bob interpret "straight", "only" and "straight only" in seventeen different ways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Straight Only

Straight. Yeah, I'm straight. I'm fucking hetero for any girl that moves. Shit, I'll even do someone in a goddamn wheelchair. I'm hetero for everyone. Except for one man. Motherfuckin' Silent Bob. I've called him my "Hetero Lifemate" to people's faces before, and that's bullshit. He's my lifemate all right, but there ain't nothin' hetero about it. That fat son of a bitch just does somethin' to me. He knows the right words to say, 'cause the fucker can talk when he wants to. Fucker also knows when to live up to his goddamn name. I'm straight. Got a problem?

@@@@@@@@@

Silent Bob likes things that are straight. Straight arrows, straight roads. He likes to give directions that involve people going "straight ahead". Ironically, Silent Bob was anything but. Sure, there's that "Chasing Amy" story that he rattles off at the drop of a hat, but he prefers to think of that as a metaphor, not a story based on personal experience. Silent Bob knows that Jay is straight. It's one of the reasons he loves him. He loves Jay because while Jay is straight, nearly everything else about him is wild and out of control. And wonderful. And he's *straight*.

##################

"Straight up now tell me do you want me forever, oh-oh-oh," Jay sang and danced along, prancing in front of the bedroom mirror. That was when the door opened. Oh, shit. Silent Bob. Later, it became a topic of conversation that remained unspoken between the two of them. It wasn't like Silent Bob could mock Jay about his thing for Paula Abdul, because Jay would just play the Barbra Streisand card. Things grew strained between the two of them until one magic evening, when the song came on the radio. Silent Bob turned to Jay. "Teach me?" Jay just smirked.

@@@@@@@@@@

Silent Bob's cock is erect, long, with just a hint of girth, jutting out from the dark brown curls. Jay's cock, when erect, is slightly curved and shorter than Bob's. It's also wider, which amuses Silent Bob. Bob kneels and grasps Jay's shaft at the base, his hand brushing against the wiry blond curls. "That's right," Jay pants. "Suck it the only way you can."

Silent Bob opens his mouth and Jay prepares to be enveloped. Instead, Bob speaks. "You know, for a guy who tries to convince everyone he's straight, you sure like getting blow jobs from another guy."

##################

Love, I've noticed, is rarely the sort of thing that goes in a straight line. Emotions seldom go from point "A" to point "B". Take Jay and I. We grew up and survived all sorts of crazy shit. When I told him that I was in love with him, his reactions were all over the damn place. I should have expected that, Jay being who he is. I think he's okay with it now. It's hard to tell. For a guy who wears his emotions on his sleeve, he's an expert at keeping some things close to the vest.

@@@@@@@@@@

"Uh! Yeah! Fuck me! Give me that big dick, Lunchbox! Fuck me harder!" Jay pounded on Silent Bob's chest with his fists. Silent Bob gave a wolf-like grin and did as Jay asked. Just as Jay was about to come, he woke up.

"The fuck?" Jay muttered as he looked down at the wet spot in his sheets. He was alone in bed. Silent Bob slept in the other room. "I ain't no fuckin' faggot," Jay told himself.

"I'm straight, dammit! I'm straight!" he yelled.

In the next room, Bob shook his head. It was only a matter of time.

##################

Jay had a lot to drink throughout the evening, and now the alcohol was in control. He was dancing on tables and nearly every other word out of his mouth was a curse word. When Silent Bob finally got him down from the table Jay had comandeered, Jay wrapped an arm around Silent Bob's shoulders and nuzzled his neck. "My hero," Jay slurred.

The bartender cleared his throat and tapped the prominent sign behind the bar. "Straight Only."

Silent Bob glared at the bartender as he scooped Jay into his arms and left the bar. "Fuckin' straight people," Bob muttered.

@@@@@@@@@@

"Fuck off Lunchbox! I'm in here!"

Silent Bob snorted. Jay's secretive behavior was amusing, but shutting himself away in the bathroom? That wasn't allowed. He tried the doorknob, found it unlocked and stepped into the bathroom.

"Son of a bitch!" Jay swore. He looked at Bob.

Bob's eyes looked at the box Jay held in his hands. A box that said "Hair Straightener". Then he looked at Jay's hair. It was gorgeous. Curls the color of honey, trailing down to his shoulders.

Jay's aim was terrible, hitting the door as it closed. He could hear the laughter through the door.

##################

Silent Bob laid his cards down on the table as if to say, "Read 'em and weep."

Jay snorted derisively. "Bitch, please. You're gonna be down to your white-ass socks once I show you what I got."

Silent Bob raised an eyebrow that said, "Go ahead."

Jay cackled and showed his hand. "Beat that!"

Silent Bob laughed. "You little idiot. I have a straight flush. You have…" He studied Jay's cards. "What is that anyway?"

"It's a straight," Jay said proudly.

Silent Bob shook his head and used his foot to indicate which piece of clothing Jay should remove next.

@@@@@@@@@@@

Silent Bob only smoked pot. Even that was an occaisional indulgence. He knew that Jay liked the harder stuff, but Bob didn't like it. He didn't like the way it made him feel. He didn't like what being on it reminded him of. Silent Bob didn't like Jay when he did the harder stuff. He became different. *Not* Jay. Bob left the house when Jay did drugs that were harder than pot. Jay understood and tried not to do the hard stuff often. It wasn't easy. There were nights when he just *needed* it. Bob wished Jay needed him more.

#####################

The only times Jay shuts up are when someone important kisses him, like God. Or when he's got Silent Bob's dick in his mouth. If he's so inclined, he will talk while he's eating. Even with a mouthful of food, Jay will spray it instead of saying it, much to the annoyance of his partners. Jay doesn't care. He even talks in his sleep.

Silent Bob's got lots of earplugs. He tries to trick Jay into giving him a blowjob as often as he can, but Silent Bob's only human. He's tried other things to silence Jay. Nothing else works.

@@@@@@@@@@@@

Until the restraining order, the only days Jay and Silent Bob hung around outside the QuickStop were days that ended in "y". They thought this was a good plan. It was easy to follow. No calendar to check, no schedule to keep. They woke up, they knew where they were gonna go and what they were gonna do.

Because of the restraining order, they're at a loss. They tried other convenience stores on their way to Hollywood, but they weren't right. And they were too far from where home was. "We gotta get a fuckin' lawyer," Jay tells Silent Bob.

##########################

The only times Jay had come close to getting lucky with a girl, they'd been interrupted. Bethany had run off to save the world. Justice had given herself up to the law. Jay knew he was never going to see Bethany after the incident at the baby shower. He held out hope that his BooBoo Kitty Fuck would still love him when she got out of jail, but lately, Silent Bob had grown tired of reading her letters from jail. Jay had given up on Bob taking dictation for letters back a long time ago. "Fuckin' coitus interruptus," Jay muttered.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Silent Bob only talks when it's important. When he has to tell that "Amy" story. Or to tell Jay something that he's just too stupid to pick up on. He likes speaking through body language, through eyebrows and the occaisional written word.

There was one time when Silent Bob wanted to speak more than anything else in the world. When he *had* to tell Jay something. Jay had grown impatient and stalked off. It was after Jay had left the room that Bob had found his ability to speak. So he said them to the empty room. "I love you."

##########################

There was only one man for Silent Bob, and that was Jay. He knew that Jay didn't quite feel the same way. That Jay would fuck almost anything that moved. And in some cases, things that *didn't*. Bob still hadn't forgiven Jay for that one time with the stuffed animal. Bob knows that in the end, Jay will come back to him. Jay takes comfort in knowing that Bob will be there for him no matter what. Neither of them likes to think about what might happen if one of them wasn't there. So they're always there. For each other.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The only time Jay can't stand to watch Silent Bob is when he cries. He'd told Bethany that "there's nothing worse than watching a fucking fat man weep." Which was true. It also hurt Jay to see Bob cry. Because it means he's in pain. Jay can't take that. He copes in his own way. Which means he yells at Bob to stop crying and being such a little bitch. To get over it and be a goddamned man.

What Jay really wants to do is hold Silent Bob until the tears stop. But Jay's not enough of a man.

#########################

"You're the only one for me," Jay cooed.

Silent Bob raised an eyebrow at this. He crept towards the bedroom, where Jay was talking to someone.

"Oh baby, you do it for me like no one else. I light you up and you do the same for me. It's fuckin' wonderful."

Bob got down on his knees and looked through the slightly open door. What he saw was a sight that would give him much material to mock Jay with for the rest of their lives.

Jay, blissfully unaware of Silent Bob's presence, continued to coo and pet… His bong.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a 'zine that didn't happen, I figured I'd share it for the fifth anniversary of Jay&amp;SilentBob-slash. I should also thank my beta readers, who I believe were Elektra Pendragon, Saone and Random. I believe there were also people in chat I babbled to about this, and so I owe them my gratitude as well.


End file.
